Wow to think this year I’d be having my fourth child. I am not sure if it would be a little boy or little girl. Either way I’d know they’d have been happy & healthy. I was due January 28th of 2016. My ex-boyfriend Randy and I got pregnant and well he left me and I couldn’t bare doing it alone and without telling him I was pregnant and not even giving him a chance I aborted the pregnancy. And now as I hit the due date I’ve realized I’m not as strong as I used to be and I’m feeling pretty horrible about it.
I had been dating the worlds most amazing man while going through a divorce. I never meant to find him never once looked for him, he found me and with that came a deep love and greater respect for myself. He showed me I’m beautiful naked and I’m not talking about with my cloths off I’m talking about the real and raw me. He showed me back to my world that I lost when I hung with the wrong crowd. Although our life got flipped upside down mine took a spiral turn for the worst. I found out in June of 2015 I was pregnant with his child. Too early to tell the gender and not informing him I aborted the pregnancy because he went back to his ex, and I wasn’t a homewrecker by no means. I did eventually tell him after he told me his ex was pregnant and he damn near lost it. Was upset that I didn’t tell him and that I gave him no choice and I told him I wasn’t ready to do it alone where he said we’d have been coming up on a year and I wouldn’t have been alone. I didn’t want a child to be the reason he stayed with me in the first place. We fell in love before we said I Love You and even before we moved things to the bedroom. We waited a whole month before anything happened. I got to know him and his past and he got to know me and my past the good, the bad and the amazing. Which was why it was harder to do the abortion alone. Now that we are marking the due date of our child, I wonder if I did the right thing. I have always wondered that and I’m not sure what he thinks. I have never said down and asked him. I love this man with everything in my body and all of my heart. I’ve never found a love so deep. We’ve reconnected over the year and have always made sure we knew just how much we cared for one another. Through texts, Facebook messages, and of course seeing each other. We’ve spent nights crying in each other’s arms over life. I hurt because I hurt him and he hurt me but at the end of the day we only wanted to be in each other’s arms we’re we felt at home and safe. Completely happy with life and knowing we could take on the world. I spent my New Years with this man and wouldn’t have changed or traded it for the world. We have a love no one can explain. Though many disagree with us we don’t honestly care. We’d rather be happy than living a life of pain and regret. The only thing we regret is breaking up and well I regret aborting his child which was the hardest thing I’ve done.
The abortion was quick, it was a set of five pills one in office and four out of office and month worth of bleeding … and boom done… The pain was the worst the crying alone sucked and the worst part was I told no one. It hurt not having him there to hold my hand and help me when I’d throw up because of the pain medication and it hurt to know that if and when he found out he’d hate me. He’s honestly never hated me, we’ve never hated each other. Our love for each other has only gotten stronger over the year and we’ve come to terms with what has happened in our past.
So as I dawn the day I’d have been in the hospital having our child I sit and wonder if we’ll ever have that chance to have a family together. If we’ll ever get back to when we started and if life throws us that chance are we going to waist it. I’m hoping the answer is no, but only time will tell.
It’s hard to look him in the eyes and know that we could have been bringing home our bundle of joy. It is hard to look at the calendar and know that I’d have been a mother of four. But what’s made it easy is he’s always there for me. We’ve always been there for each other. I’d be lost without him because he’s honestly the better half of me. I don’t want to lose the best of me because the world is out to get us.
We’ve over come our pasts and we’ve over come the abortion now we need to over come our fears.