Coming to terms… with …

a personal eating disorder!

I’m 24 years young and I am a victim of a personal eating disorder that has effected me since my early childhood thanks to trauma from being a victim of bulling (which all be writing about in another blog post shortly) for as to being bullied at such a young age it caused many issues for my self-esteem and my way of looking at myself. And from then I realized that this world I thought at one time could hold such innocence is really a world of dismay and cruelty and yet there’s still some good in the world. 
When I was in elementary school I was always picked on because of my hair color for I was a natural red head. I also came from a broken and poor family which left me with hand me down cloths and stuff from the Salvation Army. But that only fulled the one’s who felt the need to bash someone for what they looked like and how they dressed. I was also picked on because my teeth aren’t perfect and aren’t white. It’s not that I didn’t brush my teeth cause no I recall many nights and mornings brushing my teeth to a sand timer that took FOREVER. And my nicknames and taunts followed from school to school all the way to high school practically. I never fit in anywhere and I didn’t have many friends and if they where my friend it was because they felt bad for me. I ate lunch alone most of the time by myself or I just skipped it and sat alone to sit in my thoughts. 
But enough about those years cause that could have us here all day so let’s skip to my middle school years where I was still the odd ball one out, there was a few girls that eventually turned to me for guidance as I was older than them all for I ended up staying back in sixth grade *another reason I was bullied and taunted* but again all share that part of my life in due time of course. But back to the girls who at one point found my natural red hair a threat and my imperfect smile pretty as for I developed into a beautiful young woman but at the time I still felt trapped for I was a girl that still didn’t have name brand cloths, the perfect smile and well a real true girl friend to consider a close friend I was still the odd ball out who just knew how to skim across the water. I was always picked on and called names the worst was when I was called FAT I’m by no mean’s fat. I weighed exactly 95 lbs in middle school. I played boy’s football which helped me boost my weight to 125 and then from there I joined the wrestling team. Another reason I was picked on because I became a threat to most girls for I could do what the boys could do. And eventually stopped eating meals and went on to BINGE EAT which is just as bad as making myself throw-up and yes I’m guilty of that for I’m not proud of it but so began my life long desire to hate my body. I skipped breakfast ate a small snack at lunch time and skipped dinner and over worked out which isn’t healthy for you period. So as those two years passed I gradually moved to the high school zone… 
In high school I became one of those people the one’s who get picked on hated … yeah I’m talking about Cheerleaders. I was a cheerleader and my weight then was nothing more than 90 lbs so I was a high flyer and did a lot of quick flying moves for I was a light girl even though I was tall at 5’ 3” until I hit my 5’ 4” and left to play basketball. I never ate breakfast again after those days trying to keep a perfect weight to stay in uniform and to keep up with the girls around me for they always complained about gaining a few pounds. After Cheerleading season I left for good as they canned the cheerleading squad and became a basketball star which brought me to a slim woman at 100 lbs the most I had weighed after football. But that didn’t stop me from being looked at and for me to think I wasn’t perfect or good enough though I had a boyfriend who’s family who was loving and supporting said I was too skinny yet I never liked to eat in front of anyone anyways so I would hide during meals or take a small amount. The one time I asked for seconds I think I shocked the whole house into seriously you want more. But we can jump to now… my life now 
I’m 24 and I’m still fear my eating disorder for a fear it will come back, the schools these days are pushing things that are crazy. I’m a 110 lbs at 5’ 4” and in April I became comfortable with my body, I’m the perfect height and weight. I have some stretch marks and what do you expect I’ve birthed three son’s, I’ve got a little tummy and I’m working on toning that as we speak for I’m one for having a washboard stomach. 
BUT…

To this day I barely eat … maybe one or two meals a day with some snacks to hold me over not because I’m in fear of becoming fat but because I’m seriously so busy that if I take the time to make something and sit and eat I’ll fall behind… most people I know don’t eat much that’s just who I’ve been every since birth. Of course after sitting hear writing I’m wondering what I was thinking about writing about this yet I know that it’s not widely talked about and many girls face this and don’t have good support so here’s my way of supporting you all read this and if you sit there and feel like this is a little of you then talk to you doctor with out your parents… so read the next part and seriously think about life… and what you want out of it…

So here are some basic signs of an eating disorder:
  • Skipping meals
  • Making excuses for not eating
  • Not wanting to eat in public
  • A distorted body image, such as complaining about being fat despite being underweight
  • Withdrawing from normal social activities
now those are just SOME of them… click the EATING DISORDER phrase and it will transfer you to a web page all about eating disorders. 

Take if from me … NOT SEEKING HELP can have SERIOUS long term health issues and that page link above shares things to help get someone to seek help. I was lucky enough to have some family and friend support, as not a lot knew but some had an idea. I make sure to constantly tell people who say they are fat that they aren’t and that look’s don’t mean a thing and that it’s your personality that makes who you are, yet they just don’t believe it because the social media has distorted our views on our body’s especially Victoria Secret and skimpy dressed actresses. 

I’ve come to terms with my eating disorder, I know that I have to eat at least TWO meals a day with about FOUR snacks through out the day to help me make it through the work day along with the whole day and week. 

I’m not sure what else to write as this is still a tricky subject and a haunting one at that, and well I’m not a expert but I’ve had my fair share of battles with this illness.
This illness comes with evil helpers that included but aren’t limited to anxiety, depression, and well actual physical abuse to one’s body. All blog about those later… so keep an eye out cause I’ve personally seen first hand and experienced what depression and anxiety can do to a person. 

Picture taken in 2008 *Natural Red Hair*


Me in March 2013 

Me in March 2013 Hair Color Change
Yeah I’m just a silly person!
April  2013 110 lbs 5’ 4” In love with my body!

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